& my world will be coloured.

Monday, March 31, 2008

this guy up there, i miss him. (: tmr will be our 22nd monthsary and i dunno if i could go out. i'll explain why, below.

i kinda hate it when i fall sick. esp when it comes to fever. for real.

my body has been aching like nobody's business, im burning inside like there's no ending, i feel cold outside like im in antractica or something.
all this thanks to geraldtan. yes. passed me that stupid virus. and tmr is my 22nd monthsary. ): i wanna go out. but. ugh. look. i realy hope for a miracle to happen and my fever will GO AWAY.

lotssa things happen these few days. im oh-so-lazy to ype everything in here. but the last outing that i could remember was the outing with syakir, mirah and geraldtan. and kind enuff, geraldtan bought me a $50 bag, which i love love love. (: (not to mention, i love him more.) but as usual, there's always something on the other hand. he passed me his super, contagious, could-be-deadly virus. omg. i drank gallons of water and i dunno when can this fever goes down. last temperature took was in the afternoon at it hit 38.9. why not make it 39.0? round off. idiotic. ugh. GOD. help. i really wanna go out. i hate this. but nvm. i must, shall, be strong. hah!

so finally, syakir (my cousin) could get into RP. yes. i can meet him everyday in sch, and we can talk for 3290849032740832748340138043291874 hours in sch. be it thru msn, or wadnot. (: and my class for year 2 sem 1 is E66E. I like. as in... the class alphabets and numbers. haha. and i knew abt my class when sam talked to me online. goodness. there's sam, dawn, zaty, cheryl and more. haha. some of them could possibly be my partners in crime. they can drive me insane. ad with that, motivates me to work work work harder in sch. i really really wanna go NTU. ugh. kks. enuff bragging. i cant wait for sch to open, cause im broke( which means there's no point going shopping with my gfs) and i wanna meet my frends once again. ugh.

and and and. i miss nur aqidah, i love geraldtan. (:
till then.
i wanna hit the sack.

so why din't the sun shine, love?

Fif ♥ 4:06 PM

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

la la la. (: hahha. im so so so frustrated with blogger. seriously. i tried to upload some expired pictures. but in the end, ouh. stupid server. hahaha. i realy hope they can be more EFFICIENT. haha. (: i wanna update more photos abt my cousin's wedding, swimming with the dolphins and performance at nanyang girls high. (: haha.

but blogger just gave me those adrenaline rush. ugh.

nvm lah eh, haha. well, i update some other time, can can can? (:

and dear AQIDAH, im looking forward to our KFC session. (: hahaha.

today just talk to EO. was explaining some things to him abt my lappy. im so so not happy with this win 32 virus. looks like i have to reformat my lappy. and yes, i have an external hard disk to transfer all my movies, photos and music. (: hahha. yaay-ness. (: well, maybe im going to do it next week. and EO is so so kind enuff, to acompany me to sch and reformat my com. ahaha. i miss him loads. i heard zai qiang will be coming too! hahha. my china boys. LOL.

i need to buy a new eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. my mum lost her cosmetic pouch and i lend her some of mine. but i decided to give it to her. hahaha. it's nt as if she gt none left, but she just dun wanna use new ones. hahha. so in the end, i thought of going SASA to check our stuffs there. haha. or maybe john little or something. i love maybelline eyeliner, pls. haha. (: shall see how. ask dear come shop shop with me this fri. well, that's a MAYBE. haha.

well, i guess i shall end here. i wanna watch american idol. WUUUU.

and you, yes yes. I love you. <3
(:
p.s: dun work so much. i miss you alrd. ):

Fif ♥ 9:56 PM

reply to tags.

aqidah: haha. (: okay. with u arnd, i wunt shed a tear!
gerald: this moment must be celebrated. finally u tagged. (: haha. alrite. i wunt get angry at you, but.. u must play ur part too. and erm.. haha. i love you too.

so today watched step up 2. was alright lah. i think i prefer step up 1. hahaha. LOL.
den.. saw kak yah. at raffles city. she's working there. gloria jeans. dear gonna start work and kinda send him off there.
den bought donuts from j.co and went to meet aqidah to eat them all up. LOL. very filling. (:
and den we chat abt our secondary sch times... haha. oh so funny. our dirty little secrets are out. LOL. all the best for ur paper, girl! (: hahaa.
other than that.. nothing much. hahha. (: i feel happy today and i dunno why.

i simply wish this happiness will last. at least a little longer. (:

Fif ♥ 12:05 AM

Monday, March 24, 2008

i'll start blogging about a riddle that i came across today.

"What bone grows longer and shorter?"
- trombone.

hah. i find it lame, but whenver i hear the word trombone, my heart starts to jump with joy. i dunno why, but i feel happy when i start picking up my trombone and play some songs with it.
so that brings me to my recent event. performance at nanyang girl's high audi with the BMB. and my, i do look like the "old" one there. i miss the times when i fall in with the entire band, setting up my instrument and joke with my members inside the store room, laugh at mr leng's jokes, conducting my section during sectionals, wearing my striking band skirt and basically, everything abt band. i even miss those punishments that my section got due to our loudness and craziness in band. oh god. see how fast time passed by. everything seems lke in a blink of an eye. too bad aqidah was not there to perform with us. she decided to study for her supp paper. i beg, i plead i did watever i can to ask her perform. but she cant let go of her HPI,maths and cellbio. well, nvm. studies comes first. no doubt bout that. and there weren't enuff trombone. but that was never a problem. hais. i miss her whenever she didnt come band. i still remember how we started of together in band. haha. we never once had a real senior to teach us from basic. all i can remember was aizat, who taught us whenever we ask him how to play that note. other than that, we were laughing all the way during band.

so after 1 year plus since i last had a serious practice with BMB, i felt happy once again. time passed by so fast till im scared. im scared that i couldnt catch up with it. now then i realize wad can cheer me up even though im facing the bitterness part of life. playing with the band, touching my trombone, opening the black file.. all these seems to keep me happy. no wonder why thruout 4 years in sec sch, whenever i have any problems, after band, everything seems to calm down. and now, i realize where i can find peace, fun and laughter. (:

that night, during the performance, gerald came. when we sat at the back, waiting for our turn to perform, i saw him sitting in front. alone. and suddenly, i dunno why, i feel like crying. i swear. so, just to divert my attention, i open my black file and looked at the phantom of the opera score. deana, my junior knew i was flipping the file as she was beside me. after sucha a long time, i see that charming face. and after that glimpse, all those anger and disappointment, were all gone.... i start to feel weak... and this heart.. became soft. i duno why. and den when the pri sch band finish performing, he came and sat at the empty seat, beside me. he didnt look at me. and den, my heart began to smile. he turned and say hi. and smiled. and my juniors were making fun of it. haha. out of embarrasment, i told him he cant sit here. because all the performers were there. and so, he sat behind. he watch closely till the end of BMB performance. he took a video of us playing tequila. (: and its nice. damn nice.

after perf, we went back bartley and he took 156 to my place. i met him at MacD after sorting out things back at bartley. and things seemed alright for both of us. how i wish i could stop the time and let things to continue simply this way. how i wish. bt at the same time, i realize something. if only i have lesser expectations from him, things wil turn out better. and yeah. im workin on it.

someone once told me that secondary school will be the best part of ur life. i used to disagree to that statement. but now, without me even asking myself, i admit that it WAS the BEST part of my life. everything seems great during those 4 years. im happy that i have the one bit of those memories. i have him. at least he's part of those beautiful memories. and i want it to remain that way. but as days passed by, time, ppl and the environment seems to change... and i have to adapt to it as quickly i can, before ilose everything that i've been holding on to since years....

it's late now.
wish u all good night. (:

The more I try to sort through it all, the more the tears come.
Even when I try to steal it, the memories spread into different memories through the tears that I shed.
It makes me cry so painfully.

I love you, I love you
These words have become a habit and these words are among the many I’ve learned from you.
I sit around alone mumbling to myself like a fool.

and that's when i realize, i really, love you.

Fif ♥ 9:17 PM

Friday, March 21, 2008

i know it's very late right now. everyone seems to be sleeping soundly.. however.. my mind is totally not in peace. I dunno why.

i met mr asmadi today at bartley. he brought me and aqidah to his office. and we kinda talked and joked, as per normal. and then he started asking questions. and there's one question that is playing on my head since he asked. he was asking how were things between me and bf. i wish i have an answer to that. i told him everything is okay. and there are ups and downs. and even though his reply was only a few words, at least it seems conforting to me. he said that it is a usual thing. and i was thinking. what seems ok, and wad doesnt?

thruout this relationship.. i might push the blame to gerald even though i knw it's totally my fault. i dunno why these few days my mind is in a blank. i am tired of arguements, im tired of everything. i stopped getting angry. i stopped being worried. instead, i start to get things confusing. i told him once that i wanted to temember this holiday together. but not this way. how i wish he knws how my heart felt. i dunno what is happening arnd me now. all i knw is that i have a wonderful family that could at least see the joy that im spreading.

but these few days, i apologize for the things i have not done wrong. and all these may seems weird for those who knew me. i really miss the way things were. i miss my life. i miss those secondary school times. i miss the moment of that lovely feeling i have towards him. sadly, right now, i dunno whether im walking to the right path. he's busy working day till night and cant meet me. at the most, 5 msg per day. 7 days of working per week. how can i live with that? and i thought when he took his day off, we could spend time together.. in a happy way. but i dunno why things turned out differently. i dunno why. i wish i could turn back the time. i really wish.

i dun have so much expectations from him. i just need someone who could give and take in this thing. it's been a long time since we met. i dunno wad's happening arnd him. wad he does, how his life have been for the pas weeks. i start to feel insecure again.

and then mr goh asked why the tickets for the concert has not been selling properly. just last night gerald called up and asked for the ticket to see my concert. i was happy and excited at that moment. but.. i dunno why.. something then stopped me from being too happy. mr leng told us that when we are up there to perform, dun ever once think abt other matters. always feel the music and let the audience appreciate it. but for once, for once this heart of mine cant rest. i cant see myself playing beautifully and harmoniously to a large crowd where i knew.. he is somewhere up there looking at me from a distance. it's been a long time since i met him and... i dunno why... i have this feeling that.... i dun even want to see him ever again. i dunno wad is the reason. is it because he simply breaks my heart? or is it because he hurt me too much, till i cant afford to see that charming face? i dunno. i told myself that im not prepared to see him yet. and im passing his ticket tmr. i guess, i make a quick one and i'll be off. tmr is a public holiday and he will still be working day and night. if that is wad he wants, den i cant stop him. thats the reason why i locked myself in silence and see where is this heading to. but i feel... this is getting too far. im afraid i might get drowned in my own assumption of things.. or even get lost in the jungle of thoughts. i dunno.

so walking back to a familiar path.. meeting my secondary school teacher.. makes me... a student there once again. and i admit that i miss mr asmadi. so does aqidah. even though we both might laugh here and there.. we still miss those good times when we were in his class. as what aqidah said, he might be reading our blog. and even if he read this, i just wanna say that he has been a great and awesome teacher. not only as someone who educates us, but someone who we could trust and share our problems with. someone that can be called..... a friend.

i dunno what will happen next between me and gerald. i dunno what is he thinking. i dunno what is he doing. i dunno what is he feeling. does he miss me? does he love me? does he...... treat me as a frend now? i dunno. i keep on praying. i hope God could light up my way and show me the right path in this difficult situation. i know He will help me. i believe in Him. as for now, i will spend my days with those who appreciate me and at the same time, keep those problems on hold. i've put in my effort in solving my problems. and im tired of it. but that doesnt mean i give up. i just want to have a rest and take a "breather". im sure He up there will help me too. Insyallah.

Fif ♥ 4:28 AM

Monday, March 17, 2008

and so, i was invited to perform at nanyang girls high. i accepted it. together with derek. hah! (: so the perf is on this sat. will be wearing black formal clothes. tickets will be 10 bucks per person. haha. do approach me if u guys want it. (: shall tell the seniors back at BMB. (: and i attended band prac. heard that we wil be playing tequila(again) and phantom of the opera. tdday kinda bonded witht he sec 1s again. and im so so so sad+disappointed that aqidah couldnt make it. :( i think she's busy with her sch stuffs. nvm. one day i'll drag her to my crib and make brownies! (: haha. and then.. this sunday.. plan to go out with leo and the rest, again. (: yay-ness!

imy.
plscomebacktomeassoon.
imsimply,devasted.

Fif ♥ 10:47 PM

Saturday, March 15, 2008

sometimes.. i really wonder.. where does all those happiness went. hais.

cousin just came back from honeymoon at bali. bought us a shirt. ok lah. nice. i mean, very nice. haha. (: thanks, eh. (:
and then.. while i was walking back home.. penny for my thoughts:

i can see everyone's love. i mean.. love as in.. the care and affection towards the person whom they are close to. put aside family members. they are different. but i saw my aunt just now, after 3 whole days of not meeting her. i miss her, like totally. i mean.. all of her children are all married.. her last son just got married. and now, things began to settle down. i saw my niece and nephew.. hah. everyone is being loved. its not that im out of love, or.. lacking of love from ppl. no. but seeing ppl falling in love, or being simply happy.. makes me....... happy. yeah.

after so much i've been through with him all this while, and to be exact, 21 months.. i dunno wad else can i give. i mean.. i duno whether this is the love that im talking and dreaming abt. yes, its too early and too young to talk abt it. but.. teenage nowadays are alrd growing up faster than wad adults can think. i duno who i am now. i dunno what's wrong. again, putting aside family, i think i have a great bunch of frends who are willing to share their happiness with me. but how long can that last? i need to find a soft place where my happiness can be kept as safe as poossible. when i met him, i thought his heart was the best place. however, it turned out to be something different.

looking back at the things i've done, i think i can come to a point of agreement, that i am totally lost. trap within myself. not too deep yet, but simply, trapped. i've been through a lot of things and therefore, i can evaluate wads seems to be right, and what is wrong.

maybe i should let things go. and maybe, its my nature, to see other ppl's happiness as my happiness too. maybe, without him, things will be back to normal.

while im walking back home. i thought abt it awhile. what's becoming of my life with him? how much longer can we keep this love alive? im sure things will be fine, for the few days ahead. im sure. without him, i'll be happy. without him, i can do the things i love. and maybe without him... i could find my happiness, once again. maybe. (:

Fif ♥ 11:41 PM

Friday, March 14, 2008

this is a must to post about. today, i went sentosa with my family, aunt and cousins, to SWIM WITH THE DOLPHINS AT SENTOSA. it's one hell of a fun, i tell you. the dolphins are big, strong, cute and.. funny. hahhaa.

mummy and daddy took leave since last wed. we were suppose to go KL but in the end, we didnt due to the bad weather. we went sentosa though, but it rained. so so sad. so, we just went to underwater world and dolphin lagoon for free. thanks to aunty! she works there and everything seems to be FOC or discounted. hahaha! i love her. LOL. so last wed was just an OKAY outing for my family. den on the followind day, thurs, we went JB. bought lotsssa stuffs and as expected, ate delicious scrumptious food. LOL. hahaha. den today, which is the best friday i ever had in my life. hahah. we went sentosa again, by request of my aunt, to swim with the dolphins. ahahhaa. not everyone can swim,okay! hahha. it cost $150 per person and it's only a 45mins programme. but i tell you, it's damn worth it lah. hahha! (: but again........ my bro and i dun have to pay for it............ (pretend i didnt say that. hah!)

so.. today. i woke up at 7 am. left hse to at 8.15 to fetch my cousins(Nana, Nora & Nina) next block. mum and dad have to go, cause they have to sign this form. well, they need to ensure we are fit and anw, we're below 21. dad drove all the way to sentosa after that. reach there arnd 9am. changed and the briefing starts at 9.15am. (: there were 15 of us, includig the staffs of sentosa, which includes my aunt. haha. den we were broken up into smaller groups. (: 3 groups. so just nice, my aunt, her 2 daughters and me and bro. 5 of us. (: hahha. Nana couldn't swim cause she have to workunderwater world.., as offered by her mum, which is my lovely aunty. haha. den the trainer told us the DOs and DON'Ts, hand signs and stuffs. den we have to disinfect our hands. (: haha. den.. time to take photo with the dolphin. first, we met Pet. he's cute. and.. ok lah.. matured alrd. haha. cause he got more pink skin than grey. and the cameraman is my aunt's frend. and he let us took nice nice photos. hahaha! (: den we could feed them.. and.. yea. nice. (: den we proceed on to the other side, and ket talking to Pet. haha. he's so cute. haha. we sang, we danced together. (: he even paint something for us!! isnt that fantastic?! hahaha. and yeah. secondly, we met Han. She's adorable. seriously. she's younger than Pet, i suppose. haha. this time round, we are alrd int he deep waters. haha. we float arnd the water.. quiet deep, though. hha 20m, i think. yeah. den.. we played with Han.. feed her... she danced, we danced... den the best think, she gave us a great ride on her back! hahha. she carried us arnd the lagoon and we just have to relax and follow her.. haha. must hold tight. but not too tight! can be sensitive. esp to the youger ones. one by one, turn by turn, she swim with us. haha. while i was holding on to her, i can feel her tail... hahha.. and then.. fnally, we met Splash. he's CUTE. and young. still a bit greyish. ahaha. (: seriously, i love him. we took loads of photos.. he gave each of us a surprise, by kissing us on the cheek. (: and even shook hands with him. hahaha.! (even though he got no human hands.) Lol. haha! den Splah also gave us a great ride on his back. haha!
overall it was fun. once we finish, the first batch of crowd came into the lagoon. it's showtime for the trainers! hahaa. den we have to leave... okay. here comes the pictures. but these are the pictures tht mum took. not the staffs. they staff ones are not ready. so when they are done tranferring and burn it into a disc, i will show u guys! (: okay? hahaha!

meet Splash. (: he's showin his moves to us.

from left to right: trainer, my bro, nora, me, aunt ayu and nina. (: Pet is painting for us.

look mum! see how Han is bringing me arnd the lagoon! hahha. i dun think u all can see her properly. she's under water.

watch Pet jump!

Finale. haha. say goodbye!

Pet and Me.

Feeding Pet. Haha. so cute!

before the swim.

from left to right: bro, nana, me, nora and nina. stars of the day!

meet nora

meet nina

meet bro

just reached sentosa! left to right: nora, me, dad, nana, bro, nina.

say hello.

getting ready to dip into the water! bro trying out his shoes, aunt ayu looking at her diving shoes, im searching for my size. hahaha! peace!

say helo, again.

omg. really. omg. if u get what i mean.

anw, photos are in random orders.

tc! more photos will be up soon!

Fif ♥ 10:46 PM

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

It's like arnd 1am right now and im suppose to sleep. but as usual, im stubborn. hah. these few days my body felt so weak. i dunno why. my appetite is growing larger. ugh. today i had fun with bro. we went to the interchange and stuffs. i got this craving for donuts. ugh. bought some at Glacier. and yes, it melts wonderfully in my mouth. hah! dun jealous. (: i knw aqidah will. hahha! and it rained just now. so bro and i walked in the rain, since we didnt bring umbrella. dad alrd went back to the ofice and couldn't drive us back home. bro and i borrowed 2 Cds. and we rot ourselves at home. (: oh, tell me 'bout it! (:

and yes, im hitting the sack soon...
have something on tmr.
(:
night night.

the responsibility is in you.
face it. nothing will change things.

Fif ♥ 1:01 AM

Sunday, March 9, 2008

LIKE FINALLY, the wedding is over. yeah. hahha. LIKE FINALLY shasha is my cousin. LIKE FINALLY i can don't rush to and fro geylang for errands. LIKE FINALLY, everything falls into place. but i miss the kecoh-ness. hah. (: photos will be up real soon. not today. i stil can feel the tired-ness of the wedding. haha. but nvm. it's all worth it. i can't believe that my cousin got married. i will miss those times together. cause.. i treated him just like my elder brother. and we used to have lots of fun, going out.. doing the simplest things that can make us happy. hahha. (: but now, he got a wife. haha. and yes, his wife = my pri sch best friend's sis. (: hahhaa. oh. can't think abt it. it gets my adrenaline running. hahaha. but im used to it, with her arnd. she's more like an elder sis to me, rahter than cousin. (: for REAL. hahha. she's cute lah. really. i called them the care bear couple. hahahaa. (:

*some random thoughts *
i dunno wad i will do if my aunt doesnt exist in this world anymore. i seriously cant magine things. she is just like my mother. all her kids are married, and she's a grandma. but she brought me up since the day i was born. im not saying that mum is not in use or something. hah. of coz mum is my first priority. but seeing her shedding tears yesterday... makes me feel that she's alrd old. and... i just dun want her to leave, just like my grandma. i havent have the best out of them. i mean.. my late grandma was an awesome-legendary woman. no one can ever be as soft and patient as her. and my aunt.. i think.. she's... just like her.. soft in heart. if she goes off one day.. i will surely miss her cooking. n i will miss everything abt her. i really hope she could see how much i appreciate her. until now, she take care of me... feed me well.. ask me wat i want. sometimes, i think she pampered me more than mum. hah. imagine... 18 years.. she's been taking care of me. thats long enuff to love her, as much i love grandma. (:
no matter what, i still love you, aunt. always, forever. <3

i fell back at square 1.
i dun want my love to end this way.
but what's left is still a question.
and why must i be the one crying out loud?
is it difficult to love you?
tell me that i'm not alone, love.

the heart once ask the body.
"if u're sick, who do you look for?"
and the body replied,
"the doctor. how abt u? if u're sick, who do you look for?"
and the heart goes..
"myself. i'll look for myself. cause with this heart, comes strength, determination and LOVE."

Fif ♥ 10:32 PM

Friday, March 7, 2008

and so, cousin's wedding will be tmr. but seriously, i dunno why i am so nervous. maybe im excited? i dunno. finaly my pri sch best frend can be my relative! haha. yes. my cousin is getting married to my best frend's sis! (: isnt that great? hahaha. yeah. cant wait for the wedding. haha. tonight, i'll be going to the bride's place with my dad to fetch the wedding clothes/stuffs. i hope it will be a fast one. (:

im at home with grandma and bro now. grandma just came over last night. haha. ok lah. not bad. she did her inspection on my room, as usual. haha. she's always like that. so cute. haha! (:

nothing much now. anyway, im using the lappy outside the hse. at the corridor. windy here. haha. nice nice nice! (:

bf have been working non-stop this week. i miss him and yes, i am worried abt him. work till so late. 11+pm. omg. he's handling 2 jobs at 1 time. i dunno why! he got money, still work work work so hard. aha! now he's at suntec. doing the IT show. ok lah. (:
and i knw u read my blog dear. haha!

alright then. shall end here. (:

Fif ♥ 4:38 PM

Thursday, March 6, 2008

i'mn suppose to be in bed right now. but even i dunno why i'm here blogging. hah. but hey. wth. i just wanna say..

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND.

is that enuff for u, mr gerald tan? hah. (:
ok. shall blog more some other time. (:
nite nite.

u, dun work too much.
i miss u ):
take care.
ilysm. (:

Fif ♥ 12:12 AM

Saturday, March 1, 2008

and so, the days were fine.
however, seriously, im so so scared. thanks to MAS SELAMAT BIN KASTARI.
i wonder wad is he upto next.
and i will pray pray pray that he will get caught REAL SOON.

yesterday i had fun with aqidah and nurul. too sweet to elaborate. LOL. i simply love love them. (:
and i drank starbucks twice, thanks to nurul. it's free! hahhaa. (: omg. she's really adding up to the percentage of my fats in my body. ugh.
and here are the photos.